Three Idiots

A policeman was testing 3 brothers who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first brother a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first brother answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second brother and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second brother smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds,
“What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third brother and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The brother looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really
doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office,
checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the third brother replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

Nobody Can imagine what’s in her mind.

A smartly attired lady was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and habby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

She took out her wallet, removed ten dollars and asked,

‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’
‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told her.

‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ the lady asked.
‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ the lady asked.
‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’

‘Well, the lady said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’
The homeless Woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’ The lady replied, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’

Why husband should not answer…..

WIFE: ‘What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: ‘Definitely not!
WIFE: ‘Why not? Don’t you like being married?’
HUSBAND: ‘Of course I do.
WIFE: ‘Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
HUSBAND: ‘Okay, okay, I’d get married again.’
WIFE: ‘You would?’
HUSBAND: …….?
WIFE: ‘Would you live in our house?’
HUSBAND: ‘Sure, it’s a great house.’
WIFE: ‘Would you let her drive my car?’
HUSBAND: ‘Probably, it is almost new.’
WIFE: ‘Would you replace my pictures with hers?’
HUSBAND: ‘That would seem like the proper thing to do..’
WIFE: ‘Would you give her my jewelry?’
HUSBAND: ‘No, I’m sure she’d want her own.’
WIFE: ‘Would she wear my shoes’
HUSBAND: ‘No, her size is 6.’
WIFE: — silence …….
HUSBAND: ‘oh shit’.

Pay Attention

1st year students of MBBS were attending their 1st anatomy class. They all gathered around the surgery table with a real dead dog. The Professor started class by telling two important qualities as a Doctor.
The 1st is that NEVER BE DISGUSTED FOR ANYTHING ABOUT BODY, e.g. He inserted his finger in dog’s mouth & on drawing back tasted it in his own mouth.
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Then he said them to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes. But eventually everyone inserted their fingers in dog’s mouth & then tasted it.
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When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said:

The most important 2nd quality is OBSERVATION, I inserted my Middle finger but tasted the Index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

Life is tough but it’s A Lot Tougher  when you are “Not Paying Attention”

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!

A CNN News photographer called the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’

‘Why?’ asked the pilot.

‘Because I’m a photographer for CNN’ , he responded, ‘and I need to get some close up shots.’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?’

Hamsaai set ho gayee…

Once there was a boy who loved a girl but that girl only hated him, boy asked the girl that he will change her hatred to love and he asked girl that he will stand in front of her house till next 100 days. storms and rains came but boy didn’t moved. With the passage of days that girl started falling in love with him on 99th day the girl decided that she will say that she also loves him with the rise of sun of 100th day, the girl went out but the boy wasn’t there. she was worried then she found a paper on which it was written “Tere chakar mein teri hamsaai set ho gai hai”

The Secret to a Happy Married Life

Once I was asked by my Friend, “What is the secret behind your happy married life?”

I said, “You should share responsibilities with due love and Respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems.”

He asked, “Can you explain?”

I said, “In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other’s decisions.”

Still not convinced, Friend asked me “Give me some examples”

I said,” Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator , monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it”

He asked, “Then what is your role?”

I said,” My decisions are only for very big issues. Like effects of Global Warming, whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire, etc etc and Do you know one thing,

My wife NEVER, EVER objects to any of these”…………!!!!!!

Installing Husband – MUST READ

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I Noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0..

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and SPORTS 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system..

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, _______

<<<<<< Reply >>>>>>

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

We don’t understand Women : Their “Whatever” “Anything” OR “You Decide”

1 . (Whatever)

Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why don’t we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time i got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why don’t we have Szechwan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Szechwan, today too?
Men: Hmm….. I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..

2. (Anything)

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It’s been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it’s a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything

3. (You decide)

Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let’s take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it… for such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can’t walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let’s have dinner first?
Women: Whatever…
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..

The wife and The window.

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her
neighbor hang the wash outside.

That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.

Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the
same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look! She has
learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”

The husband said: “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!”

And so it is with life:

“What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. Before we give any criticism, it might be a good idea to check our state of mind and ask ourselves if we are ready to see the good rather than to be looking for something in the person we are about to judge.”

What you say?